Call me Matte


"What do you suggest? It's an 328i coupe."

“What do you suggest? It’s an 328i coupe.”

You see a shape pass by. A shadow, really. It’s emitting a growl, a throb – a throaty exhaust note that signifies raw power and precision. Not something to be messed with.

The presence of this beast stirs something in you – your head swivels. What is this blacktop warrior?

You see it. Under the sun, your eyes narrow into a squint. It’s high-end, all right – oh yes, it takes drugs or a law degree to get into that.

The blacked out rims, the quad tailpipes, the sun glinting off of….nothing.

The car’s coated in coal soot – it’s a friggin briquette. I could light a kitchen match off any surface.

The Bimmer I see (it’s usually a Bimmer… when it isn’t a Civic) has a matte paint job. No swimming-pool-deep laquer on this baby, no siree!

I really don’t get the rust primer/Tremclad look. Is it a Mad Max thing? Is this because of Mel Gibson in some way? Why paint over good factory paint on a $60-70,000 car?

A quick Google search will return countless hits about the best (or cheapest) way to get into a matte paint job or wrap. I doubt the people searching for this are looking to cover up the rust on a 1986 Bronco II.

Sure, if you have the cash and the will, go right ahead – I just don’t understand why anyone would want to do this. That said, the spoiler/wing/painted side mirror craze of the turn of the century taught me that there are scores of tasteless people everywhere.

Maybe that’s being harsh. Maybe my hatred for chalkboards is clouding my objectivity.

Regardless, if I ever found myself in the Brown Beauty Bimmer that rolled past me this morning, I would hope that –

(1) I hadn’t just lost my mind and,

(2) I wasn’t at gunpoint.