2006 Infiniti G35: a canvas waiting for cheese. (IFCAR/Wikimedia)

You know the car.

“Flashy, making a scene, flaunting conventions.” (To quote Mr. Bookman, the hard-boiled library detective from Seinfeld)

Yup, we’re talking about the guy who wants everyone on the block to take notice of his ride.

Aftermarket parts, a burpy exhaust, decals, tinting – the kind of car no father wants to see his daughter get into.

A total heat score.

15 years ago the ride du jour for such characters was a Civic or Accord (Honda remains popular for this, but not nearly as much). Good handling and a peppy engine formed the backbone, while coffee can mufflers, ill-fitting rims, painted mirrors and purple, bubbled tinting made up the rest of the beast.

A close runner-up, usually less obvious and tricked-out than its Honda brethren, was the early 90s Nissan Maxima.

A circa-2006 Infiniti G35 coupe. You’ll hear it before you see it. (IFCAR/Wikimedia)

Since then, the scene has changed a bit and a new heat score has risen to the top (according to this writer’s completely non-scientific observations).

The Infiniti G35/G37, especially those made circa 2002-2010.

Once a fairly conservative intermediate luxury sedan/coupe, this V6-powered, rear-drive import is often seen with massive rims, a matte paint job, and an aftermarket exhaust that screams “Don’t pry in my business or we’ll both get in trouble.”

There’s nothing wrong with lavishing attention on used rear-drive imports with brawny engines – hell, who wouldn’t? – but the act of driving a car that gets you noticed while doing things you don’t want to be noticed doing… well, that seems counter-intuitive.

A former neighbour with a subtly done up early-2000s Accord taught me this lesson. If your otherwise plain ride is seen all over town making brief visits, but you’re not carrying a pizza box into the building, you’re more visible than you think.

Fellas: you can keep the G35 with the slammed suspension and 20-inch rims for social work, but for ‘business’ (whatever that might be, not trying to pry), maybe it would be a good idea to keep a 2008 Impala in reserve.

Sometimes, as in life, the dirt just won’t come off…

See, it’s ‘pebbled’- rough, not smooth, mountainous, you follow? – and I’m at a loss to figure out why.

My car is a 1st Generation Chevy Cruze (2011-2015), a capable little vehicle with comfy front seats and impressive highway gas mileage, but one minor gripe is becoming very distracting.

The plastic surfaces on the interior – the dash, door panels, console – are impossible to keep clean. This is because you can’t get them clean to begin with.

Why? It’s pebbled.

Can you see where the paper towel was? Can you?!

While the overall appearance of the interior is pleasant (“Classy stuff,” people used to say of the tu-tone fabric inserts), the pebbled black plastic is a product straight out of Hell.

Not only does the millions of channels, grooves and valleys of this surface trap dirt and dust, but they help save it from being removed by cloth or towel.

And paper towels? Prepare to have those shredded as you attempt to Armour All that rough surface, thus adding white paper to the already dirty depressions in the now off-black plastic.

Yes, attempting to clean it actually makes it worse. It’s like trying to clean sandpaper.

Cleaning an interior in any other car I’ve owned has always been a breeze. Very pleasant, really. Paper towel + cleaner = all you needed.

A close-up of the culprit, bathed in a forgiving sunset glow.

Not so in this mass-produced vehicle. That gleaming, mirrored polish you see on other dashes, and on the labels of cleaning products? The one that sparkles and shines like a gangster’s shoes? Nowhere to be seen after all that effort and expense.

Flat plastic is boring, I know, but is pebbled plastic the answer to that problem? At least the former can be cleaned.

All of this boils down to a minor First World bitch and moan fest, to be sure, but the pointlessness of having such a surface in a car has gotten under my skin.

Who flicked the ‘Let’s Do This’ light that led to this situation?!!

*calming breath, calming breath…*

Owners of the 2016 Cruze likely won’t have to put up with this  madness, as it looks like the interior will do away with the pebbled dash.

I can only imagine how satisfying it would be to wipe one of those down.

Yes, please take me away!

If any rent-a-car ad will compel you to build a time machine, it’s this 1965 spot for Hertz.

Even a postmodern person would want to travel back to the Don Draper era after seeing this vision of ‘friendly skies’ air travel, monstrous open-topped cars and copious amounts of disposable income mixed with youthful vitality.

Hell, I’m already envisioning myself bitching about Lyndon Johnson while tuning a Hi-Fi set.

While the golden age of the West, air travel and car renting seems to be receding in the rear-view, at least we still have these whimsical reminders of that halcyon bygone age.

Still holding it together…but just barely.

Beaters this bad are a rarity these days – so much so that this corrosion conveyance merits its own blog post.

Yes, this is the sedan version of the 4th Generation Honda Civic (1987-1991), a popular compact that started life weighing 2,200 pounds, but in this case has probably shed weight since.

Badging on this rusting relic was non-existent, but judging by the bargain basement black bumpers, it’s a low end trim level – likely the DX or the unfortunately-named STD (an apt designation for a ‘stripper’ model).

The late-80s Civic had style to spare! (*cough*)

Assuming that all cylinders are firing, the owner of this Bush, Sr. era econobox regularly enjoys either 70 or 92 horsepower from the car’s fuel-injected 1.5-litre engine.

But the age of the vehicle isn’t what made me stop, it was condition all the way.

Clearly a car that has seen much use in the salt-encrusted northern climes, the fact that this less-than-cared-for ride is still on the road is a testament to the Civic’s rock-solid drivetrain.

Though less common on the road nowadays, Civics of the late 80s and early 90s used to be a big deal. Affordable, easily customizable and with inherently good handling, old Civics possessed compact clout. Sedans weren’t as appealing as the two-door hatch, however.

As I marvelled over this car, nostalgia crept into me, along with some questions.

Once upon a time, rusty beaters held together with duct tape and chicken wire used to be a much more common sight, at least in my neck of Ontario.

Growing up in the 1980s and 90s, the roads seemed filled with aging Oldsmobiles covered in rust and Bondo, vinyl tops faded and peeling.

Quintessential ‘beater’ (1972 Buick LeSabre Custom) spotted in Edmonton, Alberta.

What was it? Are newer cars just better built, and thus don’t rust so badly? Not according to the Pontiac Sunfire in my work parking lot.

Were interest rates so high back then that fewer people financed new cars? That could be partly true for the Eighties, when 20% was deemed low.

Maybe it’s just the haziness of memory, and the fact that back then, a ‘beater’ meant a landau-riffic road yacht from the Seventies. Plenty of contrast to be had between one of those square-rigged barges and your average modern hatchback.

“Look over here!” screams the Lexus RX 350 F Sport (Image: Toyota Motor Corporation)

“Everyone’s doing it.”

That statement can serve proudly as the reason why fads become as widespread and prolific as they do, and why it takes so long for the hip-to-passé cycle to play itself out.

Hell, I’m still waiting for the neck beard/tattoo/slob look to die out, and that look is just ugly and stupid.

It’s no different with cars. In fact, it’s rampant in the auto industry.

The other day I found myself in a discussion with two fellow car buffs and this very subject came up.

Grilles, as you may have realized, are the new tailfins or decklid spoiler. Across the automotive landscape, cars – even stodgy low-end luxury sedans – are adopting gaping, wide, aggressive mouths. Think anything new from Lexus, the Toyota Camry/Avalon, or the new Mitsubishi Outlander (whose only change is a BIG NEW GRILLE).

“You think yours is big? Getta load of this!” – 2016 Mitsubishi Outlander (Image: Mitsubishi Motors North America)

My friend denounced the newly ubiquitous grille treatment he saw sweeping the world, but I just saw it a part of the inevitable evolution of design.

Throughout history, when one company makes a splash by going heavily in one direction, others often drop everything to hastily emulate the next big thing.

“Stop what you’re doing, Bob – we’re going in a new direction.”

“But we’re almost finished the project! We’ll be read to roll out in a few weeks!”

“Forget it, Bob. Big grilles went out with powdered wigs and smoking in elevators. They’re yesterday’s news. We’re hearing that fender skirts are coming back. It’s gonna be big, so get cracking. We want ours to be the biggest – don’t stop till they hit the ground.”

Design and styling conventions can define an era, especially in the auto world.

High-flying tailfins in the ’50s, ‘pony’ and muscle cars in the ’60s, baroque, vinyl-clad faux luxury in the ’70s, minivans and hatchbacks in the ’80s, SUVs in the ’90s – the list goes on.

Changes in actual styling are often quicker to be adopted, and dumped, simply because no company wants their products looking old. Think of the elimination of running boards (circa 1940-42), the proliferation of pillarless hardtops (c. 1955), the raised tailfin (c. 1957), quad headlights (c. 1958), compact car offerings (c. 1960) and the ditching of raised tailfins (c. 1960-62).

With all of these styling fads, however, there have been holdouts.

The 1959 Chevrolets: on a gull wing and a prayer (Image via)

Ford really didn’t go all-in for the tailfin thing, leaving that party for GM and Chrysler. The stacked headlight motif of the mid-to-late 1960s (favoured by Plymouth and Ford) saw the last member of the Low-Priced Three (Chevy) call in sick.

This me-too phenomenon has its own dangers, though. Follow too close in the wake of the Next Big Thing, and you could find yourself pulled down when it all sinks.

Ford found that out when, after discovering the plans for the radically styled 1959 Chevrolet, it scrapped its planned 1960 models in favour of a production version of its Quicksilver design concept car (which contained elements similar to the Chevy).

Ford learned its lesson with its 1960 models, which were meant to emulate ’59 Chevys.

The radical Chevy turned off many traditional buyers, while the boxy and conservative ’59 Ford sold well. The next year Ford was forced to roll out its new take on the ’59 Chevy even as Chevy was planning a return to ‘safe’ styling.

As soon as it became possible, Ford corrected its mistake and went the conservative route as well. Buyers returned.

Maybe one day we’ll see a backlash to big grilles, forcing automakers to revert back to their early ’90s designs (Front air slit? Check). Until then, open wide and enjoy the ride.